My heart doesn’t feel heavy. It doesn’t feel anything as there is just emptiness as that is all the I am now. I am just an empty shell of the person I used to be. I don’t even remember who that person is anymore. I can’t remember what it feels like to feel something positive for more than twenty minutes. I just know the bad feelings, the emptiness and the darkness that is constantly surrounding me. Today I reached my lowest, today for the first time I started having thoughts about hurting myself. I thought about getting a handful of antidepressants, sleeping pills and painkillers and just swallowing them. Hoping that it would stop the pain.

Having thoughts like that… Thinking of harming myself and has never really been part of my illness. I’ve been and I am severely depressed but I have never thought about harming myself as I always thought I had too much to live. Now I have too much pain to live with… Even now I don’t feel anything, there is no guilt or sorrow just the constant emptiness which never goes away. So much so it is literally killing me to the point where I am here at that moment of contemplating something like harming myself. Yet I knew it was wrong so I went through my bedroom and picked up every pharmaceutical drug I have and there is a lot and I put them all in a bag and walked out and handed it to roommate. I said to her quite simply ‘I need you to the this bag and hide it somewhere safe otherwise I will take a huge handfull of the pills in here and swallow them because I think I want to hurt myself’ and so she took them. She’ll leave out my citlopram every morning and my penicillin for my tonsillitis but apart from that I will have to ask her for anything drug related.

I still feel nothing. I just know I have taken steps to distance myself from doing something I may not regret. I’m going to call a doctor tomorrow. I will let my GP know what happened. I cried though, despite the emptiness I cried and called my mum and I told her I had enough and I needed to get away, that I needed to come home. So my aunt transferred money over for a bus ticket and I will be heading home to London on Monday. That probably won’t fix things but I can be in a different environment, be with people who care about me and away from all those people in glass houses who are throwing stones.

I never want to hurt myself, my life may be a mess but there are people who I need to live for and I can’t leave them.

I am just so tired.

3 thoughts on “Ashes/Demons

  1. I have felt emptiness. I have used anti-depressants.

    Yes,you do have more than enough reasons to live. Most certainly, you have people who care for you. Frankly, one of the things that I have learned and appreciated about depression is the knowledge that I obtained. In that hole, I learned what compassion was. What is know is that you can not help others unless you have been there. So that is why I am glad that I have been there.

    Wounded Healer is a good book.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Da UGLY Ducklin and commented:
    This was four days ago, and I’m upset that I didn’t see it earlier. Nonetheless, I’m believing with all my heart of hearts that you’re just fine. Especially since you stated at the end of your post that you REALLY don’t want to die, that you’re just tired. But, more importantly, you have people you must live and be strong for. I’m happy to hear that they’re still meaningful enough in your life, that you’ll do away with those irrational thoughts immediately and NOT act upon them.

    Sadly, in February 2014 even with 11 precious grand children, 4 wonderful children and a promising career in the Federal Government I still resulted to taking my life because I was tired. During that time, I had no desire to seek God for myself and rejected any other’s who wanted to intercede for me… I had enough, and couldn’t see anything positive ever becoming of my life at all.

    I was living in Maryland at the time, and that was my first time ever going through this there and I learned rather quickly that I’d made the BIGGEST mistake ever… The law there is confinement, with no chance of leaving for a minimum of three days… Ooooooooohhh Nooooooo, I’ve got to go to work, they thought that was hilarious. To them, I was crazy and needed to be there… But, after a couple of hours of seeing that my friends and family did love and care about me was suffice for me… That was all I was initially longing for, and my Facebook message box, cell phone voicemail was packed instantly… But, I was locked away involuntarily… Thank God for one lady who realised that my not reporting to work would cause me to lose it and further intensify my my thoughts fit not wanting to live, and she talked the resident physician into taking a chance with me, and I haven’t looked back since. In turns, I started this blog and begin channeling all my spare time into helping my sisters and brothers all across the Nation diminish those ugly thoughts altogether… We merely need to grasp what it is we’re really in need of and pursue it, if possible, and if for whatever reason that’s not an option, then other alternatives are a must. But, suicide absolutely will NOT be the ultimate outlet under Nooooooo circumstances.

    For you, I reiterate how I’m overjoyed at the fact that you have those SPECIAL people who are dear to you keeping your mind at bay. If you like, we can talk anytime… I’m here for you my luv.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope the change of environment will make things easier for you and being around people who love you will certainly help. Things sometimes look bleak and sometimes life is just exhausting and people don’t understand why or how you can feel the way you do, but I send you good wishes in trying to find a better place & hope you find the rainbow after the storm has passed

    Liked by 1 person

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