I’m not doing good at the moment. In fact I things are pretty bad right now when it comes to my entire life. I’m having trouble looking forward, I can’t look towards the future as everything seems so hopeless. I’ve started to lose the will to live. I’m just so tired, you know? Just getting up takes so much energy out of me and I don’t want to feel like this the rest of my life. Last Thursday I was the worst I have ever known myself to be and so I called my GP’s and made an appointment for that day, I called at 8 and got an appointment for 10:30am. When I got there I laid it out straight for my doctor, I simply began by telling her that I didn’t want to live anymore. That I was too tried to go on anymore as my forthcoming homelessness along with my uni exams and financial problems was all to much to bare.
This really concerned my doctor. Usually my moods fluctuate, one session I’ll come on and I feel really down and a month or so later I’ll come back and I’ll be in a better place. I will have bounce back from the bad days I would have had. But recently that hasn’t happened much, the doctor noted that I’ve been coming in more frequently and dealing with bad bouts of depression that don’t seem to be improving. They just seem to get worse and my poor health as of late hasn’t been helping or my deteriorating relationship with my sister who called me a failure because of my problems and a burden to my family. Because of everything going on my doctor called a local hospital, one that is a psychiatric hospital and arranged for me to have an assement as apparently my mental state had become a real cause for concern especially in regards to my own safety.
I thought I was going to be sectioned. I wasn’t… Sometimes I wonder whether it would have been a good or a bad thing. I don’t know. I ended up having to talk for a while with a small group of mental health professionals who were rather sympathetic to what I’m going through. It’s been 5 days since then and I feel slightly better. I talk a lot more about how I’m feeling and try to be honest. But it’s hard to see sunshine when it’s constantly dark and raining and you have no umbrella.
My darkest hours. 