Trying to hurt yourself is pretty scary. Trying to save your own life is terrifying.
My life has been a whirlwind these last three weeks and my mood has been described as being a continuous spiral of darkness. Every day it feel like I am losing a little more of my sanity and my mood is pretty manic. It’s still very low but it constantly changes from being really low that I am lethargic can’t get out of bed to having periods of being able to function for a couple of hours before bursting into tears and it’s been a pretty regular occurance this last few days. I’ve spent of most of this week, putting on a brave face and acting like everything is fine which was exhausting. I never knew how hard it was trying to pretend to be normal. I spent most of the week trying, attempting to try and enjoy life but if I’m honest I don’t know how to do that. This last few weeks have all been about sitting my exams and getting out of the flat. Those two things took a big toll on me both physically and mentally and trying to recover from that stressful period is taking a lot of time.
In the last 10 days, I’ve been to a three different hospitals on several separate occasions. I think the total number is 7, maybe 5? But either way that is a lot in a short span of times. A year ago I would have only gone to the hospital once for a sporting injury but these days I spend a lot of time going to hospitals including the Royal Edinburgh Hospital – psychiatric hospital, to which I seem to always end up at for an assessment. I’ve been told a lot of stuff, most of it the same from doctors and medical professions; that I have a lot on my plate, more so than any person my age should have to deal with and I’m struggling to cope.
That seems to be the story of my life. The last few days I’ve been rather hysterical and suffering from bouts of suicidal thoughts. I talked about it and I always got sent home, apparently I’m not considered too much of a risk to myself to be sectioned. But on Sunday morning I didn’t have a good day and I needed help as I was falling apart and going off the deep end. My GP’s office was shut so I tried to call a number I have that was supposed to put me in touch with someone 24/7 but nobody answered the several times I called. This made me all the more hysterical and in place of darkness and sense of escaping I ended up hurting myself. Or rather harming myself and I not have several cuts on my left wrist which are very easy to notice. I don’t remember doing it, if I’m honest it’s quite a bit of a blank but I remember looking at them and knowing something was wrong so I ended up calling the NHS 111 number and an hour or so later a doctor told me to come to the hospital.
A doctor took a look at my wrist and then had me speak to a psychiatrist, one I had met a couple of week ago when I had my first assessment. I don’t think it did much but they let me go and I spoke to my GP last night.
Who knows what happens now?
My darkest hours. 